Reflection on Parental Metamorphosis

A reflection on the different stages of parenting, and the sometimes funny, sometimes painful, but always important lessons learned.

Transcript

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Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Amazing Journey Podcast. I'm your host, Mike. I am most grateful that you're going to spend the next 30 minutes or so with me talking about some life lessons I've learned along the way in this amazing journey that is my life. Per usual, in keeping with tradition, i.e. the last few episodes, we are going to talk about a few songs, three songs that I really enjoy, have enjoyed over the years, looking forward to enjoying multiple times this summer on my little pocket-sized jukebox and obnoxious wireless speaker. The first is from an amazing British pop slash rock group called Fairground Attraction. Their 1988 hit Perfect. One of my all-time favorites, little catchy groove. Makes you dance in the summer sun or even on a cold rainy day. The second song that always puts a smile on my face, especially this time of year coming into the summer season, is from the Canadian rock band Triumph. Their hit from 1979. Lay It on the Line. And last but not least for today, let's go back to 1984 with Survivor and their amazing lead singer Jimmy Jameson. And I see you and everyone. So some favorites from yesteryear. Put a smile on your face, get up, get dancing, get the blood moving. Dancing makes everything better. What are we going to talk about today, Michael? Well, I'm glad you asked. I've been racking my brain to find a suitable topic, and it just kind of jumped out at me today. And it's what I call parental metamorphosis. So for those of you that are parents, I encourage you to listen along and see if what I'm saying applies to you as well. And if you're not a parent and you're thinking about becoming a parent, well, have a listen and um hopefully after 30 minutes we'll talk you out of it. No, I don't mean that. I'm just a little humor there. In my life and my experience and my amazing journey of raising children, I have come up with five phases. So the first one being phase one is what I call creator and total provider. And that's from ages one to five. And you're doing everything from soup to nuts with respect to feeding them, clothing them, bathing them, changing diapers, making sure that everybody is clean and hygienic, making sure that everybody is safe. You cannot take your eyes off of them. And when you put them in the crib or the bassinet or their room to go to sleep, you're sleeping with one eye and one ear open. And phase one lasts from about you know the day of birth to age 35. No, I'm I'm really full of it today. I'm on fire. It goes from one to five. And it is a phase that when you're going through it, you do not think you're going to make it. You do not think that you have it in you, the physical stamina that's required to just be everything to another human being beside yourself. You're going to find out that you have much more love than you ever thought possible. And it really is an amazing and wonderful and beautiful thing because just as they're learning how to come into being as a human being and a child, you're learning how to come into being as a parent. And it's uh both magical and extraordinary. Phase two goes from ages five to twelve, and that's what I call a teacher and battleship. So of course you're still providing as you did, but now your child is mobile and is getting ready to go to school, and whether you're a parent who has the ability to drop them off and pick them up from school every day or they're going to get on a school bus, for the first time since they've come into the world, you do not have the ability to be with them every waking minute. And it is terrifying, and it's terrifying whether you're a parent that has the ability to stay home while the children are in school, or if you're the parent that has to go to work and make a living and and secure the insurance benefits, because a very honest point here is that raising a family is all about logistics. You know, there are there are sweet sweet spots and moments and tenderness that comes along with it, but there are also basic needs. You have to be able to go to the doctor, you have to be able to go to the dentist. And so somebody has to work. But you're also realizing as a parent, I mean, you reflect back to your own upbringing, maybe some not so great things, not so nice things that have happened to you. But now it's your child. And you're you're wondering, you're asking yourself questions, very profound philosophical questions, like, could I ever take somebody's life as an example? And the day that you become a parent and you feel that parental love, the answer is unquestionably and unequivocally, yes, you can. You hope you never have to. But you're in that battleship phase. You are you are letting that young child grow and make friends and have some type of a young social life, but but you're keeping the predators away. You're keeping the wolves and and the bears and everything away from the door metaphorically and actually so that they can. And they're for the most part oblivious to it until they start to get into middle school. And they start to hear the word that you know, no parent ever really wants to say to their children for fear of becoming their parents. And it's one of the most magical words in the in the universe, ladies and gentlemen. It's it is almost universal, it's a two-letter word, and that's called no. And when the children hear no, as the Bible says, there is wailing and gnashing of teeth. Nobody likes to hear the word no. But you're in battleship mode and you're in teacher mode, and it's not your job to be their friend. It's your job to be there with them, to teach them, to protect them, to nurture them, to show them by your example what life and what right looks like. So then we move on to phase three, and I call that omniscient protector and nemesis phase. That goes from 13 to 18. And this is where the transition occurs, where at one time mommy is the smartest woman on the planet, and daddy is the smartest man on the planet. And a strange metamorphosis happens around age 13, ladies and gentlemen. Um, all of a sudden, and and if you know, if you're not a parent yet, or you haven't hit phase three, be prepared because you're not going to know when or how, but you're going to get stupid. You don't know anything anymore. Everybody else's friends are smarter than you are. Everybody else's parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, next door neighbors, teachers, everybody is smarter than you are. Everybody knows how to do it better, cleaner, and more effective and more efficient than you do. And this is where you as a parent should start to get a little bit of a thick skin. Because if not, you can get your feelings hurt really, really easily. And as we get well into the teenage years, um these folks can be well, they can be downright mean, bordering on cruel. And they came from you. They're your offspring. And you don't understand any of this. So you're still going to protect them because they're not sharp enough and smart enough at this stage in the life. They don't have maturity to know what they don't know. That's all lost on them. But you're also their nemesis because all of these great plans that they're going to come up with, you're going to foil. Because not all of them are great plans. In fact, most of them are pretty lousy plans. Well, can you give us a forexample, Michael? Sure I can. I'm glad you asked. Your 14-year-old son has befriended some older kids in the neighborhood or in a neighborhood close by. And the kids that he's befriended, uh, their parents allow parties where everybody can stay up all night long. And there's drinking of alcohol. And they allow them to use marijuana. And when you will confront these friends' parents about this, what they'll say is, well, isn't it better that they're doing this in a controlled environment where we're right here in case something goes wrong? So, right off the rip, you're operating at a deficit because their friends have the cool parents, and you're terrible. And they may not have paid attention in Sunday school or catechism class or whatever the faith-based system, if you've tried to raise them in a faith-based system. You know, they they may not have paid attention to the fine particulars, but I'll tell you what they have now discovered. You andor your spouse are now the Antichrist. And they don't understand that some very basic facts like death is forever. You know, they don't have understand the second and third and fourth order consequences. That when you drink under rage and you kill your brain cells and you get smashed and your motor skills are depleted, when you fall into the swimming pool, there's a likelihood you could drown. Or if you fall asleep because you've you've had way too much to drink, that while you're sleeping, if you vomit, you could choke on it and die. That doesn't affect any of them because they're immortal. And that only happens to other people. And these are just stories. And these are just things that, you know, parents who don't understand it, who aren't hip, who aren't happening, who aren't with it today, who are out of touch, say. And what phase three is really the first time that you have to uh practice the castle doctrine and stand your ground. And there are going to be a few times, many times, if you do it right, where you're not going to be very popular. And you have to lay your head on the pillow at night, knowing that you did the right thing. And flat out telling them if there's going to be drinking and illicit drugs at that party, you're not going. I don't want you hanging around with these people. Period. End of story. And again, as the good book says, there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. But don't worry, because phase four comes. And that goes from age 18. I originally had said 18 to 25, but somebody far more intelligent and experienced than I has pointed out, it doesn't end at 25. So we're going to split the difference and say 32. And that is when you go from protector and nemesis to advisor and bank. Why do you say bank, Michael? Well, if they're going to follow your dreams and go to college and get an education so that they don't have to kill themselves working, you know, manual labor or a job that could possibly be unfulfilling for them in the long run, and, oh, by the way, doesn't pay a living wage, then they're going to need to go to college, university, or trade school. And unless they are fortunate enough to be trust fund babies, again, we're right back to where we were in phase one because the logistics has never gone away. Like once we establish the logistics in phase one, they're going to stay with us for the foreseeable future. So when they decide that, well, they don't want to go to a community college and take the basic math and science and history and English classes because, well, that's only $350 a credit hour. They need to go to the most expensive university in the country where it's $5,000 a credit hour. Guess which bank they're coming to? The first one is going to be you. And it becomes very difficult to say no because after all, it's your bright idea for them to go to college, university, or trade school, right? I mean, they don't want to do that. They want to take a year off. They want to do like they do in Europe and get that gap year and take a year off to find themselves. That's a funny tangent. I remember when I tried using that logic on my father, and I said that I needed to take a year off to find myself. My father smiled and nodded his head, and he said, son, you're going to find yourself. He said, you're going to find yourself in college, you're going to find yourself at a job, or you're going to find yourself in the military service. But you're not going to wander around Europe with a backpack doing nothing. And so I presented my case. At the time, I thought I would have been a pretty good attorney, but well, I got I got shot down in a hurry. And my father said, son, I want you to be very clear. Your day is going to start with one of the following three responses. Yes, professor. Yes, drill sergeant. Or would you like hash browns with that egg McMuffin? Because you're not going to sit around on my couch and you're not going to walk around Europe like a bum. So there went young Michael's gap here. So again, we're in phase four. Be prepared to be the advisor and the bank. Now, of these two roles, you're going to nail the bank. The advisor, you're going to give them some really amazing advice, and chances are they're not going to listen to you. Don't take that personally. Most of us go through it. The good news is that once you get to age 32, 33, it gets to be a little bit easier. Because you now change to be their mentor and their moral compass. Because you have done the best you could to raise them to the best of your ability and teach them everything that they needed to be taught to be able to make it in the world. And a lot of times our children do not understand how good they have it, that they were born as a human being. They don't. And here's why I say this. Let's say for a minute that they were born as a grizzly bear. Do you know how long that mother is going to keep track of that grizzly bear? Well, the father, he's done his part. He's made the next generation. So now the mother has to teach this young one and protect this young one for two years. After two years, what happens in nature? On a bad day, usually in the heat of summer, the junior grizzly bear does something stupid, and mother goes crazy and tries to kill it. And that is Junior's Junior's introduction to the world that you've done made mama mad. Now you get to go out in the world and figure out how to perpetuate and propagate the species. Feed yourself, shelter yourself, keep yourself and your cub safe. The grizzly bear mama gets to get rid of that kid at two years. We as humans, we still have 40-year-olds living in our basement sometimes. Birds have it even worse. What do birds do? Mama bird builds the nest, daddy helps, they go get worms, they drop the worms or the flies or the bugs or whatever in baby's mouth. As soon as baby knows how to fly, baby gets to figure out how to make their own nest. So again, I give you these little tidbits because when you're in phases four and you get into phase five, again, because you haven't gotten smart yet. Remember, I said around age 13 you get stupid, you're still stupid. You don't know anything. You haven't lived, you haven't had your own experiences. So they're going to tell you what's what. They're going to tell you that water is wet. And sometimes all you could do is just smile and nod politely because you know in your heart you've taught them everything that you can teach them. And they're going to get to the point in their life where now they're in the workforce and they're going to come across the same type of difficult people that you came across coming up. People with no morals, no ethics, no standards, no values. And it's going to be tempting. It's going to be tempting. They're going to talk to you. You're going to hear things come out of their mouths sometimes, like the alarm bells are going off because you're thinking, I didn't struggle this hard to raise the next corrupt CEO or CFO. Right? But that's your job at this point, is to be the moral compass and to tell them outright. You know what right looks like. And I know you do because I raised you, I taught you, and I showed you by my example. Now, once again, ladies and gentlemen, they're not going to like this. On the whole, they're not going, there are going to be some exceptions. And if you have those children that are 10%, I am over the moon for you, and I am also turning green with envy. Because that wasn't my lot. But it's okay. Because I was a pain in the neck to my parents too. So what you give, you get back. Let's take a break for just a second and talk about some products that are near and dear to old Michael's heart here. The first is the summer cookout season is in full swing now, officially. I'd like to put in a plug for sweet baby rays barbecue sauce. If you haven't had sweet baby rays, you are culturally deprived and culinarily deprived. It's got just enough sweet with just enough tang. And it it it coats that it coats that meat like an electric blanket, coats a body during the middle of winter. It is just such a perfect fit. Fits like a glove. Sweet baby raised barbecue sauce. If you haven't had it, next time you go to the store, pick yourself up. A bottle of it, reasonably priced, well worth the money. The second thing I would like to plug today is Samsonite luggage. There are certainly more expensive luggage out there. But pound sterling for pound sterling and dollar for dollar, you cannot go wrong with Samsonite. The quality has been wonderful for over 50 years. Back when I was a child, they used to have the commercials on television where they would have a gorilla working in baggage claim, loading and unloading. And it was actually a gorilla who threw these suitcases around. And when you opened it up, everything was just neat and tidy, just as you had put it in there. So summer season, we're all going hither and yon, getting on planes, getting on trains, renting in automobiles, Samsonite luggage, make that part of your journey. And then last but certainly not least today, Maui Jim sunglasses. I was given a pair of Maui Jim sunglasses a few years ago, one of the nicest presents I've ever received. I absolutely loved them. And one day a lens had just shattered. I opened up the container to put them on, and there was a spider crack. Don't know what happened. The folks who who work at the Maui gym facility couldn't exactly tell me what happened. They say it does happen from time to time. They made good on it, they fixed it, they sent me back. They also fit me like a glove. Perfect tint. Absolutely love them. If you're in the market for a pair of sunglasses, get yourself a pair of Maui gyms. Wow, friends, time flies when we're having fun. We're in the home stretch here already. So let's talk about the lessons learned from the parental metamorphosis that just about all of us who are parents go through. Let me tell you the top five things that I learned. First of all, in your journey as a parent, things are going to change, and people are going to change, and that includes you. And it doesn't mean that you're good and your children or your adult children are bad. It just means as time goes on, things are different. Your tolerance for nonsense is different. When I was a much younger man in my 20s, I had the patience of Job. Now in my 50s, I don't have much of a tolerance for stupidity. I try really, really hard. I start every day saying I'm going to have more tolerance for stupidity than I had yesterday. And usually by about 12 o'clock, it's all used up. So accept the fact that change is going to happen and you're going to come to a fork in the road. You can either change with change or you can be changed by change. And I think that's a very important distinction. Change is not necessarily bad. So while your children are growing and changing, so are you. Don't ever lose sight of that fact. The second lesson that I've learned is that whether or not the kids realize it, they're always going to need you in some way, shape, form, or fashion. Now, if you did it right, you can't see me doing the annoying air quotes that I just did. If you do it right, the older they get, your role is going to be strictly an advisory role. You want to stay in phase five where you're a mentor and you're their, you help them find their moral compass when they lose their way, if they lose their way. When they come to a life-altering decision at one of those proverbial forks in the road, you're helping them choose what you believe to be the right fork that will be in their best interest to take. They're always going to need you. I've struggled at times in my own life, and I've watched people that I love and care about struggle and double clutch their rosaries, and just, well, they're big now. They don't need me anymore. No, they're always going to need you. Because once they have their own children, this is the really cool part of this. You're going to get smart again. You're going to know stuff. Now you're not going to know it as well as they know it. Because taking care of kids today is different than it's ever been. Right? You know, they what's lost on them is if they have a question, they can go into Google or AI or Chat GPT and, you know, type in how long does it take to make a hard-boiled egg. Right? And that information is right there. You actually had to know somebody and watch somebody do it, or go to the library and look it up. Or maybe you had a great home economics teacher like I did who just knew stuff and shared her wisdom. They're always going to need you. Don't ever convince yourself that they won't. Number three, just because you did something in the past doesn't mean that you still have to do it. There comes a point where the grizzly bear needs to make his own way down the trail, or the little bird needs to leave the nest. Just because you've always paid their car insurance, their mobile phone bills, the this's, the that's, the extras, doesn't mean that you have to continue to do it. Especially if they've hit a stage in their lives where they're not being nice. Sometimes people do not truly appreciate things unless they have to pay for it. And that's not you being nasty or spiteful or angry or hateful or mean. It's continuing to be that teacher and that mentor. So if it's time to cut something loose, your old pal Mikey has given you permission to cut it loose. The fourth thing that I've learned is that we teach people how to treat us. So conduct yourself in a way where you do not ever let your children at any age be disrespectful to you. And that's a tough one. It's a very, very difficult one. I know of what I speak. And sometimes the best thing that you can do when you encounter that disrespect is to terminate the conversation and resume it on your terms. If it's in person and it's getting heated, put your hands in your pockets, turn around and walk away, even if it's out of your own house. Because filial respect goes up the chain first. You've always shown your kids respect. You respected them enough to bring them into the world. So just because 35 years have passed, don't put up with any lip. Now, little asterisk after what I just said. If you know that you're feeling some kind of a way and you're being a horse's rear end, then own your piece of it. But don't ever let your children be disrespectful to you. If they do it, the more you do something in life, the better you're going to get at it. And the same is true for them. If they're disrespectful to you consistently, they're going to get a lot better at it. And it's going to be a lot harder to stop. And I saved the best for last year. And this is more of, in addition to being a lesson, it's a request from me to you. I say every week we do this podcast that we're friends here. So I'm asking you, as my friend, please, please, please, don't forget to take care of you. Once you've raised your children and you've given them the tools, and you've given them the lessons, and you've given them the protection, and you've provided them with the logistics, and you help them get the means to take care of themselves, your job is done. You've worked really, really hard. For most of us, being a parent is the most difficult job we will ever have. You get to take care of you. You get to go on trips and vacations when you want to go on them. You don't have to deprive yourself a pair of the good walking shoes or the nice swimsuit or the dress or the suit that you've wanted for a long time. You want that Stetson hat that's $400? You waited your whole life for it. Get the Stetson hat. You want that string bikini? You worked really hard to keep your figure in shape to be able to show that off and show it off with pride. Get that bikini. I don't care if it's $500. Take care of you. Have your quiet time. Go to bed early. Get enough rest. Find a good book. Sit outside in the sunshine. Take up a new hobby. You do not have to, and you should not sit around looking at that phone, waiting for a text message to come in or waiting for it to ring. We all get one go-around on this ride, and we all have an expiration date. So until that expiration date comes, make the most out of every day, get the most out of every minute. And if on a particular day that means you're taking a tactical pause and resting and been binge watching Netflix, Hulu, or Amazon Prime, so be it. You don't owe anybody an explanation, especially your kids. So just like that, we're at the end of another episode. And I can't thank you all enough once again for being here with me and sharing this time with me. The greatest gift we can give one another is our time, and I am eternally grateful that you're giving me your time and spending the last 30 minutes or so with me. So until we meet again and talk about another part of life's amazing journey and all the things we've learned from it, I ask you to be safe, be well, be kind, look after the ones that you love, get outside when that sun is shining, and be grateful for the rainy days as well. This is your host, Mike, and I'm signing off.